The thing about living with chronic illnesses is they are never static. Every day symptoms wax and wane. Some days are better than others, but the symptoms are always present. However, sometimes changes happen when you just know that it is a stage of evolution in your illness that will change how you manage each day for good. How do you handle disease progression, knowing that from this day forward things will likely not be the same again?
For me, it seems like every time I have a significant medical event, flare, or emergency my symptoms progress with more permanency. My most recent hospitalization has left me feeling as if this again is a sign of disease progression from which my strength will not fully rebound. The fatigue, weakness, and pain have increased; and although some days are still better than others, my best days are still worse than ever before. I have lived with this illness for long enough to know that this is another turning point in my life.
How does one cope with the knowledge that you are living with a chronic, progressive illness that will continue to require alterations in how you manage life? How does one move past the pain of losing more and more control over your body? How does one manage the fear of losing more independence and requiring increased help from others? These are things that healthy people can never fully understand.
Illness progression can evoke feelings of loss, anger, hopelessness, and fear. It causes feelings of uncertainty about how you will continue on with your life. What does my future hold? What will my level of functioning be in a year, five years, and ten years down the road? If those of us living with chronic, progressive illnesses focus on our uncertain future we miss out on our life in the present. It can result in depression, isolation, and loss of hope. We must remind ourselves that we have a choice to make. We can give up, or we can choose to accept our limitations and focus on the abilities we still have.
I still get angry at times when I cannot participate in activities I once used to enjoy. I have moments of weakness, fear of what my future holds, and thoughts evoking depression over the pain and losses I’ve endured. We all experience these feelings from time to time when living with chronic illness. It is in these moments when we are most vulnerable, and in need of the most support. I’m happy to say that regardless of my setbacks, I will still persevere. I don’t know what my medical future will look like, but with the support of my family and friends I will continue to live, love, and look to the future with strength to carry on.